Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
