i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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