Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
