I have demons in me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize