now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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