I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
