please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
jump out the window naked night went bad
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
