I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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