Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
