PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
