Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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