I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
