I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
