Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
