So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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