I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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