Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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