Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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