just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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