take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
