what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
