dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
