I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
