Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
