Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
