i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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