so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
