Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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