so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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