I wish I could teleport
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You may now shotgun with the bride
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
