She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
