Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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