a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
