just tell him i said nine months
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
