happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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