i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
