My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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