Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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