I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
