he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
