I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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