First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
