I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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