it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
