If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My pussy is not your playground.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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