I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
