i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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