It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
