Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
