She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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