Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
