Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
