I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
