The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just invented taco cereal.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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