Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
